


i know that we can survive now that we made it

by priorwalter



Series: Andreil Week 2019 [5]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Cats, High School AU, M/M, Soft(er) Andrew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 01:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19757680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priorwalter/pseuds/priorwalter
Summary: “No.”“Nathaniel, can’t you just listen to me?”Neil barely suppresses his flinch at the name and glares at Stuart. “I’m not going back to school. You were the one who wanted me to be homeschooled anyway!” It’s true; after his mother was sent away and Stuart took Neil in, he went to a public high school for two months. Neil’s true identity got out within a month because Riko Moriyama had friends there and Stuart decided that bullying and near-daily school-related panic attacks shouldn’t be added to Neil’s endless list of issues, and hired a private tutor for him. That was more than a year and a half ago.Stuart scoffs. “You never leave the house, you don’t have any friends. You can’t hide here forever."**Neil has been raised by his uncle Stuart for four years, and now he wants Neil to start at a real high school. There's cats, paper cranes, kissing, and good old fashioned friendship.





	i know that we can survive now that we made it

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Wild and Free by Hubert Lenoir. This fic is my longest one of the week, and I hope you guys love it as much as I do. It only got this long because I was projecting onto Neil.
> 
> Prompts: cats, paper cranes.
> 
> Some notes: This is a high school AU. I based all of the school details on my own school which is Not american. I don't know what an AP course is and I don't know how you guys fit more than 4 periods in a day. Also, Nicky isn't in this fic at all but it's because he's living in Germany with Eric and having the time of his life.
> 
> TW: brief descriptions of torture in a memory

“No.”

“Nathaniel, can’t you just listen to me?” 

Neil barely suppresses his flinch at the name and glares at Stuart. “I’m not going back to school. You were the one who wanted me to be homeschooled anyway!” It’s true; after his mother was sent away and Stuart took Neil in, he went to a public high school for two months. Neil’s true identity got out within a month because Riko Moriyama had friends there and Stuart decided that bullying and near-daily school-related panic attacks shouldn’t be added to Neil’s endless list of issues, and hired a private tutor for him. That was more than a year and a half ago.

Stuart scoffs. “You never leave the house, you don’t have any friends. You can’t hide here forever. We can start you at a new school if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve been talking to the principal at Columbia District High School, you know, it seems like a wonderful place.”

“Fuck off. I’m fine. And I have Matt.” Matt is Neil’s private tutor. He’s actually a real teacher, but he’s working as a private tutor until his wife Dan finishes her PhD and they can move. 

Stuart sighs. “You need more friends than your tutor and your cats, Neil. People your own age.”

“You can’t really believe I’ll make friends there. You remember what happened last time. And then Matt will be gone and I’ll just have the cats.” 

Stuart makes a pained face. 

“What? What aren’t you telling me?” 

“Matt got a job at CDHS while another teacher is on maternity leave. He offered to turn it down for you, but you know how much this means to him. He’ll be there if you go.”

“And if I don’t go, he’ll be gone.” A tense silence. “You told him not to tell me.” It’s not a question; Matt would never hide that from Neil without Stuart’s intervention.

“He didn’t like it either. This is for your own good. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up just like your mother.”

Neil hisses a cold, “Fuck you,” before leaving the room and slamming the door behind him. He navigates the winding halls of his uncle’s mansion until he finds his cats, Nemo and Pascal. They’re curled up together in a patch of sunlight. Neil sits beside them and brushes his fingers across Pascal’s thick fur. Pascal jumps into his lap and purrs. Nemo, jealous of the attention, climbs onto Neil’s shoulders. 

“Hey, Neil,” someone says after an indeterminate amount of time, startling Neil. Nemo jumps off of his shoulders and saunters toward the newcomer, who Neil realizes is Matt. He has an apologetic look on his face. Neil looks away. 

Matt picks up Nemo and sits on the ground in front of Neil. “Traitor,” he mutters. Nemo and Pascal love Matt almost as much as they love Neil. 

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Matt says sympathetically. “I tried to argue with him, but you know your uncle. He said he’d refuse to take me on again even if I didn’t take the job.” 

Neil studiously avoids Matt’s eyes. “You shouldn’t want to give up a job you’ve wanted forever for me.”

Matt sighs. “Neil, look at me.” Neil does. “Yeah, I have wanted to be a teacher at a real school for a long time, and I would have been sad to miss that opportunity. But teaching you was like, the best job I could have asked for. You’re a great kid. I’ve basically been getting paid to hang out with you for the past year and a half. And speaking as your third best friend, I think you’ll do great in a real high school.”

Neil looks away and cradles Pascal against his chest. “I can’t do it, Matt. It was horrible last time. It’s too much.”

Matt, familiar with Neil’s panic attacks, shakes his head. “You’ve come so far since I met you. It might be hard for a while, but I know you can do it. You haven’t had a panic attack in a couple weeks now. That’s progress, buddy.” 

“I _can’t_. I can’t even go to the grocery store because I can’t handle all the people,” Neil retorts. “I’ll be back to having panic attacks every other day.”

“Look, Neil. That might be true. It might not be. But do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this mansion? The way I see it, this is a perfect opportunity. I’ll be at your school. If you want me to, I can drive you to school so you don’t have to take the bus while Stuart’s out. You can even eat lunch with me if you like. If we’re lucky, I might even be one of your teachers.” Matt reaches forward to muss up Neil’s hair. “You can do it, Neil.”

Neil sighs. “Okay.”

Matt grins. “Okay.” He puts Nemo down and stands up. “Come here, Neil.” Neil sighs and moves Pascal before letting Matt envelop him in a hug. 

“I’m making Stuart let me get another cat though,” Neil says into Matt’s chest. Stuart hates the cats. Matt laughs. 

“Okay, buddy.”

**

Stuart makes Neil get a therapy cat. After hearing the idea, Neil refused to speak to Stuart for more than a week, but eventually caved. Neil names her Ada, after Ada Lovelace. Upon hearing this two weeks after taking her home, Matt says offhandedly while they’re talking on the phone, “I thought you were going to continue the Disney character thing.”

Neil frowns. “What?”

Matt pauses. “Finding Nemo? The chameleon from Tangled? Nemo and Pascal?”

Neil makes a quizzical noise. “I just didn’t change Nemo’s name when I adopted him. And I named Pascal after Blaise Pascal.”

Matt scoffs. “The mathematician Blaise Pascal?” He pauses. “Oh my god, you did get her right after we learned Pascal’s triangle.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “You know I’ve never seen Disney movies or whatever.”

“Yeah, Neil, and it makes me sad. Anyway, how do you feel about next week?” Next week, Neil will start eleventh grade at Columbia District High School. 

“Don’t remind me.” Ada jumps into Neil’s lap. She’s a maine coon, so her weight is not insignificant. “I wish I could take Ada with me. She gets in between me and Stuart when I’m in a bad mood and he tries to come too close.”

Matt laughs. “That was quick. Last time I talked to you, you were allergic to the word therapy.” 

Neil elects to ignore this. “You have to meet her when you come pick me up. She’s twice the size of Nemo.”

“Dan wants pictures of her,” Matt replies. “Speaking of, she’s home now, so I gotta go. See you soon, buddy.” 

“Bye, Matt.”

Neil drops his phone onto the bed and lies down. Ada lies down on his chest and purrs. It’s annoyingly calming. “You wouldn’t make me go to school, Ada,” Neil murmurs nonsensically. Ada purrs more, kneading her paws into Neil’s chest until he pets her. He falls asleep like that until Stuart wakes him up for dinner. 

“I’m happy you haven’t changed your mind, Neil,” Stuart says once the silence stretches on for too long over their steak. 

“I wasn’t aware I was allowed to,” Neil snaps. “But if you’re offering then I’m not going.”

Stuart sighs. “I know you’re afraid, but you’ll survive. If you hate it that much after a few months, we can find you another private tutor, but I think you’ll grow to like it.”

Neil sighs and doesn’t reply. He doesn’t want to go to school, and he doesn’t want a new private tutor; he wants everything to go back to the way it was.

“I’m afraid I won’t be here when you start school. I’ll be gone to Toronto for work for a week and a half. I’m leaving tomorrow.” 

The older Neil gets, the more Stuart leaves; he understands, of course. Stuart had to put his life on hold for Neil after everything that happened with Mary and Nathan. Still, he’s not looking forward to coming home to an empty house for the first few days of school. At least he’ll have Ada to comfort him. “Okay.”

Stuart puts his cutlery down and clasps his hands together, sighing. “I’ve asked Matt to check up on you. I want you to call him if you have any panic attacks, or me. Ada should help you too.” 

Neil scoffs. _If_ he has any panic attacks. 

“I think this will be good for you. You have to try, Neil. I don’t want you to hide away for two months and then tell me you hate it without having experienced anything.”

Neil nods and turns back to his food. Sensing Neil is done talking, Stuart does the same. 

Hopefully the two months will pass quickly.

**

Matt knocks on the door to the Hatford mansion. Neil opens it immediately, having been ready for ages out of anxiety. Matt closes the door behind him and follows Neil to the kitchen where Ada is sleeping on the counter, something Stuart would never allow if he were home. Hearing their footsteps, Ada slowly blinks awake. She jumps down from the counter and winds between Neil’s legs before pawing at his shins, sensing his anxiety. He picks her up and buries his face in her thick fur. She purrs against his chest. “You can pet her.”

Matt pets Ada’s back lightly. “I can’t believe you named two of your cats after mathematicians.”

Neil blinks. “What else would I name them after?”

Matt rolls his eyes. “C’mon, we have to go. I have to be there early.” Before Neil can put down Ada, he takes a picture of her and Neil. “For Dan,” he explains, grinning without shame.

Neil places Ada on the ground, but she continues to rub up against his legs. Nemo and Pascal watch from the windowsill. Neil crouches down and scratches beneath her chin. “I have to go now, baby. I’ll be back soon,” he whispers. “Have fun with Nemo and Pascal.” 

As they walk toward the car, Matt says, “For someone who was so against a therapy cat, you sure have taken to her.” 

Neil huffs. “Shut up.”

Once they arrive at school, Matt leads him to the office. Before they walk in, he whispers, “You have to call me Mr. Boyd here. I think that’s going to be weirder for me than it is for you.”

“Hello, Mr. Boyd,” the secretary says cheerfully. “This must be Neil? I have his schedule right here, and we have another student here to show him around. He should be arriving any moment. Let me be the first to welcome you to CDHS, Neil.” 

He chokes out a brief ‘thank you’ before he and Matt leave the office to wait on the chairs outside for whichever student is going to show Neil around. While they wait, Matt looks at his schedule. “You have chemistry with me! Nice.”

“I’m coming to your room for lunch,” Neil says suddenly. “The cafeteria, I can’t… I can’t do that.”

“Okay, that’s okay. Just like old times.”

An unfamiliar voice says, “Are you Neil Josten?”

Neil looks up, and finds Kevin Day standing before him. Kevin says, “Nathaniel?” But Neil barely hears it because he’s curled up in the chair, head between his legs. His breath comes short and fast. Neil thinks Matt is talking to him, but he’s not paying attention. He knows Matt can’t hug him like usual because there are rules against teachers touching students and it’s his first day, but Neil needs something to ground him. Eventually, Matt gives in and rubs his back and whispers soothingly to him until Neil looks up.

Kevin looks like he’s seen a ghost. Neil’s glad they arrived early so no other students were around to see that; well, none except for a set of blond-haired twins watching disinterestedly from a ways away. Neil elects to ignore them in favour of staring up at Kevin. “What are you doing here?”

Kevin frowns. “I go to school here. What are _you_ doing here?”

Neil ignores him. “You got out?”

“I found my real dad,” Kevin replies after a moment of hesitation. “He’s the exy coach here. Do you still play?”

Neil shakes his head vigorously. He can’t stand to be around exy, not when his last memory of it is with his father. 

Kevin frowns. “You were good.”

Neil scoffs. “Yeah, well, it doesn’t exactly bring back good memories.”

Matt pats Neil’s arm and interrupts, “Neil, if you want to go home after that, I can drive you, but we’d have to go now.” After a moment’s hesitation, he shakes his head; if he doesn’t get through today, he won’t be able to make himself come back. Matt grins proudly. “Well, I have to get going. See you in second period.”

Neil waves as he leaves. “Bye, Matt. Um, Mr. Boyd.” 

Matt laughs. Kevin gives him an odd look. “How do you know him?”

Neil glares. “Why do you care?”

Kevin shrugs. “It’s weird for you to be on first-name basis with a teacher.”

“It’s weird for your coach to be your dad,” Neil snaps. “Are you going to show me around or not? If you’re going to interrogate me I’ll just leave, this place can’t be much different from any other high school.

Kevin frowns. “I thought you were homeschooled, how would you know what other high schools look like?”

Kevin’s lack of tact is unsurprising, yet no less annoying than it had been when they were children. Neil grins, wide and fake, letting a bit of his father’s smile creep in. Kevin looks away “I went to my old school for two months in freshman year before Riko told his friends there who my father is. They told everyone,” he says sharply, glaring at Kevin. “You better not do the same, Day.”

“I won’t,” Kevin promises. “Do you live with your mom now?”

“My uncle.” He doesn’t elaborate, and Kevin doesn’t ask anything else. They make their way around the school. They have first period together, english, and Kevin makes Neil sit with him at the front of the classroom, no matter how much he doesn’t want to. One of the blond twins from earlier sits behind Neil. He doesn’t say a word, but Neil can feel his intense gaze on the back of his neck.

He has chemistry with both of the blond twins, surprisingly. He sits at the very back of the classroom. The one from english sits beside him, the other sitting at the front. Matt— no, Mr. Boyd, waves to him, but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge him beyond attendance. The blond twin, whose name Neil learns is either Aaron or Andrew, doesn’t say a word to him.

Twenty minutes into class, Neil starts to feel anxious. Usually, he finds Nemo, Pascal, or Ada, but he’s stranded. He needs something to do with his hands or else he might have another panic attack, but pen clicking is out of the question; he can’t draw attention to himself. He finds himself taking a sticky note out of his pencil case and folding it into a miniscule paper crane. It’s something his mother taught him when he got too fidgety before they ran from his father; he’s always had a problem with keeping still. His mother tried her best to beat it out of him, but it clearly didn’t work. 

After a few minutes, he finds he feels the slightest bit calmer. He crumples up the neon green paper crane and tries to tune back into Matt’s classroom rules. He soon finds himself tapping his fingers on his desk, though, so he takes out the crumpled sticky note and re-folds it into a crane. He repeats this ritual until Matt gives them something to write. He feels Aaron-or-Andrew’s gaze burning the side of his head, but he doesn’t look toward him.

Class creeps by like molasses. Neil’s sticky note is torn up by the time the lunch bell rings. He begins closing his books as slowly as possible, just so he’ll have an excuse to be in class last that’s less embarrassing than the fact that he’s too anxious to have lunch anywhere else. The blond twin —Minyard, though which Minyard he is is still a mystery— stays behind too. He waits until the rest of the class has filtered out to say, “I thought cornering you would be a lot harder.”

Neil frowns. “What do you want?”

Minyard pauses, momentarily thrown by something. Neil assumes it’s his accent; his mother forced him to get rid of his faint british accent, but living with Stuart brought it back. He recovers from the surprise and shrugs. “I want to know why you had a panic attack upon seeing Kevin.”

“Fuck off,” Neil snaps. “Why do you care?”

Minyard rolls his eyes as if explaining himself to Neil is a laborious task he must force himself to undertake. “The only logical reason is that you’re involved with Kevin’s past. We can’t have that.”

“Why did you ask me if you already know? Ask Kevin, I don’t know who the fuck you _are_ ,” Neil spits.

Minyard steps closer, close enough that their noses are only a few inches apart. Neil itches to shove him backwards, but he suspects garnering that kind of reputation on the first day of school wouldn’t bode well for him. “I’ll figure you out.” His tone of voice makes Neil grateful Matt is in the room watching. Minyard leaves without another word. Neil stares after him, feeling vaguely threatened by Minyard’s statement. 

“The other teachers have told me horror stories about Andrew,” Matt says. “Apparently he’s a bit of a troublemaker.”

Neil scoffs. “Apparently.” He planned to stay under the radar, but if Kevin and Andrew don’t leave him alone, that may be a pipe dream.

**

Kevin corners him after english class the next day. “Are you sure you don’t want to join the exy team? We could really use another strong player.” 

They’re far enough away from any other students for Neil to deem it safe to hiss, “The last time I was on an exy court, my father chopped up a man in front of us. I think I’ve had enough of your game.”

Kevin gives him an odd look, like he doesn’t believe him. He’s right not to, Neil supposes. It’s not the entire truth. Neil has, in fact, been on an exy court since the time he was there with Kevin and his father.

Neil wasn’t really bothered by the first time it happened when, Tetsuji made Kevin and Riko watch as well as Neil. It was after that when Nathan noticed just how much Neil loved exy that things escalated; he would bring Neil to the exy court at Evermore Academy, the private school he attended at the time run by Tetsuji Moriyama, and hurt him in increasingly sadistic ways. Neil remembers with a shudder the worst, and last time it happened. Nathan held Neil up against the wall behind the goalposts with a forearm to his throat. The court was lit up red and the goal sound buzzed since Nathan had him shoved against the goal. He used a lighter to mutilate Neil’s face. He let Neil fall onto the ground, still against the wall, and carved into his arms and hands crisscrossing lines, so many that now, there’s more scar tissue than skin from his hands to his elbows. 

“See you in history,” Kevin says. Neil jumps as Kevin’s voice tears him out of his reverie. Kevin frowns at him, but doesn’t comment on his flinch. 

In chemistry, Andrew sits with him again. He watches as Neil repeats his ritual of folding and unfolding paper cranes. It still reminds him almost uncomfortably of his mother, but being at school, especially with Andrew beside him, leaves him feeling too anxious to keep still.

Once Matt hands out a worksheet to review what they learned about chemistry in tenth grade, Andrew turns to him. The class has broken into conversation, so no one overhears when Andrew says, “I don’t trust you.”

Neil shrugs. “Okay.”

“Why did you come to Kevin’s school?” Andrew presses. From what Neil has gleaned from eavesdropping and teacher gossip from Matt, Andrew is the opposite of talkative, and yet here he is, interrogating Neil. 

“What does it matter?” Though he has become less paranoid since escaping his parents, he still refuses to dole out the truth like Halloween candy. Or something. He never really celebrated Halloween. “You can’t seriously think I’m here to hurt him.”

Andrew looks away disinterestedly, like Neil’s stupidity doesn’t deserve a response. Neil rolls his eyes and turns to his worksheet. Matt gives him a curious look from across the room, but Neil looks away. He finishes the worksheet quickly, but a quick glance around the classroom says that he’s the only one. (Well, Andrew hasn’t even started it, but he doesn’t count.) Neil’s supposed to be in the tenth grade, but thanks to Matt, he’s incredibly ahead in his studies. He struggles with english and history, but excels in all sciences and maths. 

Neil looks over at Andrew every so often, but he stares boredly into space for the remainder of chemistry. 

In the afternoon, Neil has calculus and data management. They’re twelfth grade classes, but Stuart pulled some strings for him. Yesterday, two girls named Renee Walker and Allison Reynolds decided to sit on either side of him in calculus, and they do the same today. Neil likes Allison well enough, but something about Renee throws him off. 

Renee smiles warmly and says, “Hello, Neil. I hope you’re settling in well so far.” As far as Neil can tell, she genuinely means it, but whatever’s lurking under the surface prevents him from being grateful for her kindness. He gives her a curt response and turns to Allison.

“We really have to do something about those clothes, you know,” Allison says. “I know you’ve been homeschooled your whole life, but you’ve had to leave the house at some point, right?”

Neil doesn’t dignify this with a response. Technically, he has not been homeschooled for all of his life; he went to Evermore Academy until he was ten, and then when his mother took him on the run, she didn’t bother with his studies. This lasted for two years until they ran into Nathan, who Mary killed. After that, she was even harsher and more paranoid than before; Neil let this go on for three months before she started worrying about the government bugging their (numerous and stolen) cars and secret organizations stalking them. It was at this point Neil called Stuart, who hadn’t spoken to Mary since before she ran away. After many long days in court getting Nathan’s people behind bars, Stuart took custody over Neil and Mary was sent to a hospital to recover. She was released a long time ago, but Neil has only spoken to over the phone since their last goodbye when Mary was put into Easthaven. He’s not sure if he ever wants to see her again.

Allison snaps, “Neil, did you even hear me?”

He shakes his head. “What?” He’s not sure how homeschooling led him to thinking about his mommy issues, but Allison seems to see something in his face and, taking pity on him, doesn’t comment on his inattention any more.

“Let’s go shopping on the weekend,” she suggests. “I know you dress like you’re homeless, but your phone is too expensive to fool me.” 

Neil purposefully resumes his resting face, which he has been informed by Matt is angry-looking and slightly unsettling. “I don’t know.” His thoughts are still half-focused on his mother. 

“C’mon, baby, I know you don’t have any plans.”

He starts to fiddle with the sleeves of his shirt and looks away from her. “I don’t know. I have to ask.” He scoffs. “I don’t even know you.”

Allison rolls her eyes. “It’s just the mall, it’s not like I’m going to kidnap and torture you.”

Neil manages to suppress the full-body flinch he feels coming on at her words. He’s not a fan of the mall, either; too many people. He stares down at his desk and only realizes when the boy sitting in front of him turns around that he’s clicking his pen rapidly. He puts it down immediately. “Maybe,” he concedes, not turning to look at Allison. Allison, realizing something’s wrong, doesn’t press.

He’s on edge for the rest of the day. He manages to keep it together in calculus, but he doesn’t comprehend a word in data management and leaves halfway through so he can weather the oncoming panic attack in the privacy of the nearby staff bathroom. 

The rest of the week follows in a similar manner: Kevin begging him to join the exy team, Andrew giving vague threats in chemistry, and Allison and Renee being overly friendly in calculus. A girl named Katelyn even started to talk to him in data management every day, and he actually likes her in spite of her talkative nature. He’s not sure why he attracts so much attention, but he doesn’t like it.

On Friday night when Matt is driving him home, Neil finally tells him about Allison’s invite. He’d told Allison he’d let her know by tonight. Matt, predictably, is beyond excited. “This is great for you, kid! She’s in my grade twelve chemistry. I think you should do it. Remember what Stuart said? You have to try to have fun.”

Neil sighs. “I don’t want to go to the mall.”

“But you don’t mind hanging out with Allison?”

He shrugs. “I guess not.”

“I’ll keep my phone on me tomorrow so you can call me if it goes badly or you need to calm down,” Matt says. “You can do this, Neil. You survived one week of high school. You can get through a few hours at the mall.”

Neil takes his phone out and texts Allison his address. _See you tomorrow._

**

Allison whistles when Neil answers the door. “Josten, I knew you weren’t as broke as you look, but damn.”

He shrugs. Ada butts her head against his leg. Even though Neil knows Allison probably wants to leave, he picks up Ada and scratches her so she purrs. The faint vibration against his chest is unbelievably calming. 

“Who’s this?” Allison asks, unfazed.

“Her name’s Ada,” Neil replies. “Nemo and Pascal are somewhere nearby.” 

Allison takes this as an invitation to come out of the foyer. She finds Nemo and Pascal curled together as usual in a patch of sunlight. Nemo gets up to investigate the newcomer, but Pascal stays put. Nemo, never one to shirk attention, lets her pet him, purring loudly. Neil puts Ada down, but she stays at his feet. “Cute,” Allison says skeptically after Ada hisses when Allison comes too close to Neil as she walks by.

While they drive downtown, Allison asks, “Why do you dress like that if you’ve got the money to look nice? Don’t you shrug at me, Neil.”

Neil looks away, tapping his fingers on the car door. “I don’t know, I guess I just don’t really care about how I look.”

She scoffs. “Your genes were wasted on you.”

Neil freezes; it’s awfully close to something his father used to say. “What?”

“The eyes, your hair, that accent… the whole school would throw themselves at you if you deigned to talk to any of them.” 

His hand comes to rest on the burn scars on his face. “I don’t think so.”

She glances over at him briefly. “The scars just add to your charm, baby.” An awkward silence falls over the Porsche until she asks, “Where are you from? Not america, I assume.”

He shakes his head. “I was born here, but my mom’s family is british.”

“Shouldn’t you have lost the accent by now, though? By growing up around americans?”

Neil fiddles with the hem of his shirt and shrugs. His mother was the only one who spoke to him when he was very young, so he learned to speak with her accent. Later in his time at Baltimore, he was adamant to keep the accent so he would be less like his father. He didn’t have any friends to socialize with or TV to watch that might make him have a more generic american accent anyway. “I don’t know. I’ve lived with my uncle the past few years so I guess being around him made it stronger, and I was homeschooled, so…”

Allison, noticing Neil’s discomfort, changes the subject. “Kevin’s been talking about you. He wants you to join the exy team.”

“Trust me, I know,” Neil mutters. “I don’t like exy.”

“He seems to think you have talent.”

“I don’t play exy,” he snaps. “It doesn’t matter.”

“O-kay,” she says. “How are you liking the school so far?” The question sounds ingenuine coming from her, but Neil supposes he’s not a great conversation partner.

Neil is about to shrug off the question, but Allison will call him out and force him to say something, so he replies, “I mean… it’s tolerable. I didn’t want to go in the first place, but I didn’t really have a choice.”

“Uncle got tired of teaching you?”

Neil shakes his head, but doesn’t elaborate. Allison gives up on that line of conversation and says, “You know, I’ve looked for you at lunch, but you’re never there.”

“I don’t eat lunch in the cafeteria,” is all he chooses to say. 

Allison hums. They lapse into silence until they reach the mall. Neil blanches at just the sight of the cars in the parking lot. He gets out of the car on autopilot. Allison tries to take his arm once she sees his unease, but he steps neatly out of arm’s reach of her. She doesn’t comment, but Neil can tell she’s watching him more closely now.

Allison tries to drag him into a crowded store immediately upon entering, but he refuses. “Come on, Neil, you agreed to come shopping with me. You actually have to shop.”

He shakes his head and flaps his hands at his sides. “It’s too crowded.” He doesn’t miss Allison’s significant look at his hands, but she doesn’t bring it up. 

They end up in a much less busy store that looks significantly higher-end. Allison picks out a host of clothes for him and ushers him into the dressing room. He studiously avoids his reflection, not paying much attention to the clothes he puts on. He lets Allison pick which ones are keepers and which need to be put back. 

Neil tries to pay for it, but Allison stops him. “Nonsense, baby. I’m good for it.” The thought of speaking to the cashier is enough for Neil to accept it without protest. 

After an hour and a half, Allison decides it’s time to hit the food court. She hastily assures him, “You can wait out here, just tell me what you want,” after seeing the panic on his face, so Neil waits with the frankly absurd amount of bags for Allison to return. 

“Neil?” A voice asks suddenly. Neil looks up to find not Allison, but Kevin Day standing before him, along with Andrew and a man Neil assumes is Coach Wymack, who, according to Allison, is also the twins’ adopted father. 

“Hey,” Neil replies faintly. He lets go of his death grip on one of the bags to play with the sleeves of his shirt. Andrew tracks the movement with his eyes. 

“Are you here alone?” Kevin asks, eyes roaming over the mound of stuff surrounding Neil.

He shakes his head. “Allison is just getting food.”

Kevin frowns. “Reynolds?” Neil nods. “She’s on the exy team too.”

“So what,” Neil snaps. Wymack gives him an appraising look, so he adds contemptuously, “I’m not joining your damn team, Day.” 

Kevin rolls his eyes. “At least come sit in on practice one day?”

Even the thought of being on an exy court makes Neil feel nauseated. “No.”

Wymack puts a hand on Kevin’s shoulder. “Come on, Kevin. Let’s go.” 

“I’ll wait with Neil until Allison comes back,” Andrew says suddenly.

Wymack nods, but his eyes narrow suspiciously. “Meet us at Exites when you’re done.”

Andrew shoves Allison’s bags onto the ground so there’s room for him to sit beside Neil with space between them. “What do you want?” Neil demands.

Andrew’s lack of a visible reaction is maddening. “Tell me something true about yourself, Neil.” He says _Neil_ mockingly, like he somehow knows Neil was born with another name. 

The thought of being truly honest with Andrew rattles him, but he says brazenly, “Is that all?”

Andrew gives him an unimpressed look, seeing straight through his bluff. “Meet me on the roof after school on Monday.” With that, he stands up and walks away, leaving Neil to stew in his confusion. Allison joins him not thirty seconds later, carrying a tray of food. 

“Was that one of the Minyard twins?” She asks, cocking her head. “What was that all about?”

“Andrew,” Neil answers, then, “I don’t know.” It’s mostly true; it’s clear that Andrew is trying to protect Kevin, but Neil isn’t sure why he’s so persistent when all Neil wants is to leave Kevin alone.

“How do you know it was Andrew?” Allison asks as she dips a fry in ketchup. “They’re identical.”

“They’re easy to tell apart once you know which one’s which,” Neil argues. Andrew has an entirely different demeanor about him. Does Allison really not see it?

Allison purses her lips. “Interesting.” After a lengthy pause during which Allison just stares at him, she says, “One more store, then you’re free to go.”

“I feel like we’ve been to every store in the mall already,” Neil retorts a little too sharply, on edge after his encounter with Andrew. Allison rolls her eyes and leads him down two sets of escalators until they reach, to Neil’s surprise, a pet store. It’s surprisingly empty. Allison leads him to the back where there lies a cat in a cage. She takes the bags he’s holding from him and wanders away. The cat blinks awake; her green eyes remind Neil of Nemo. The bars on the cage are wide enough apart that Neil can put a couple of his fingers through, so he sticks his index and middle finger between the bars toward the cat’s nose. She sniffs at his fingers before licking them until she grows bored, at which point she lies down to go back to sleep. 

He turns around to find Allison, but in his distraction, he hadn’t noticed another family walk into the store. A screaming kid runs toward him, presumably to see the cat, and crashes into Neil. Before Neil can react to the sudden violent contact, the kid’s mother yanks on the kid’s arm to pull her away and scold her. The mother’s blood-red nails scratch Neil’s arm in the process, hard enough to draw blood. It’s all too much; the woman’s way of handling her child is too similar to Mary Wesninski’s approach to parenting and for a moment when the woman scratched his arm, he thought he was in his father’s basement with Lola’s perfect nails scratching perfect lines in his skin. 

He collapses onto the ground, rattling the cage behind him. “Neil?” Allison calls from across the store. He doesn’t respond. He shakes his head vigorously to get the feeling of Lola’s hands off of him, but it does nothing. Allison tries to touch his arm, but he flinches away. “Neil, can you stand up? It’s less crowded outside of the store.”

He must find the strength to follow her, because he finds himself on a bench outside of the pet store a few minutes later. He curls up on the bench and runs his hands through his hair over and over until Allison’s voice breaks through the haze. “What can I do, baby? How can I help you?”

He manages to still one of his hands for long enough to take his phone out of his pocket. “Call Matt,” he mutters. He can’t shake the feeling of his mother’s bruising grip on his wrists, the sound of her voice as she shouts at him for nearly _giving us away, Nathaniel, do you want your father to find us, you worthless child?_

Neil finds that his phone is in his hand, somehow. “Neil, you’re okay,” Matt’s voice says, deep and soothing. “Deep breaths, buddy. You’re at the mall right now. Allison is with you, no one else, okay? Your name is Neil Josten, you’re sixteen years old, and you live with your uncle Stuart. You have the coolest chemistry teacher ever. When you get home, Ada will be there to cuddle you for as long as you need. Allison said you were at a pet store? I don’t think Stuart would like it if you got another cat so soon, buddy.” Matt keeps talking until Neil’s breathing evens out.

“Thanks, Matt,” Neil whispers eventually, cutting Matt off. “Sorry. I feel… I shouldn’t have come out today.”

“I’m always here for you, Neil,” Matt replies softly. “And I don’t think you should write off going out so quickly. You had a bad day today, but who’s to say you won’t have a blast next time?”

Neil sighs. “I guess.”

“Can I talk to Allison? I’ll get back on the phone with you afterwards if you need me to.” 

“That’s okay. Bye, Matt.” He passes the phone to Allison and tunes out of the conversation until she hangs up and passes him his phone, careful to make sure their hands don’t touch. 

They walk back to Allison’s bright pink Porsche in silence. Once she shuts the door of the driver’s side, she turns to Neil with a serious expression. “Neil Josten,” she says, “why is your emergency contact Columbia District High School’s chemistry teacher?”

Neil rubs at his itchy eyes. “Uncle Stuart is my emergency contact,” he corrects her, knowing full well that’s not what she meant. 

“Care to explain?”

“He was my tutor when I was homeschooled,” Neil says slowly. He tugs on his sweater strings anxiously. “He’s my only friend.” 

Allison considers this. “Okay. I would have liked a warning, at least, but whatever.” She starts the car. “He said I should spend the night at your house.” 

The thought makes Neil clam up, but the more he thinks about it, the less he wants to be alone. “You can if you want,” he replies. 

Allison raises an eyebrow with disbelief. “Your uncle won’t have a problem with a girl staying at your house overnight?”

Neil shrugs. “He’s away on a business trip. He’d be happy I have a person to have overnight though. He thinks I need more friends my own age.” 

Allison sighs. “I don’t mean to be rude, baby, but are you gay?”

“What?”

“You don’t seem to care about having me over for the night, and you haven’t looked at my tits all day,” she explains casually, as if this is completely normal. Neil tries to ignore the blush he can feel rising on his cheeks.

“I don’t know. I’m not… I don’t really swing,” he says. 

“At all?”

Neil shakes his head. 

“Hmm. We have to stop by my place first so I can pick up some stuff, but then we’ll get back to your cats.”

**

Neil almost forgot about his rendez-vous with Andrew after school after spending the weekend with Allison, but his constant distracting presence in english and chemistry serve as a grim reminder. 

Allison tried to bully Neil into spending lunch with her and her friends, but he refuses to step foot in the cafeteria. Neil suspects she only relented because she witnessed his severe panic attack two days before, but he’ll take what he can get. Matt grills him on his weekend at lunch, and actually enjoys the afternoon. He tries to talk to Renee more, and even Katelyn’s mindless chatter is tolerable.

Once the bell signalling the end of fourth period rings, Neil’s good mood is ruined. The only entrance to the roof is through the blues room, a room used for storing musical instruments and some stray gym equipment. Technically, only teachers are allowed in, but Neil has no problem picking locks. He waits until the halls are mostly empty so no one will see him breaking in and makes his way onto the roof.

Andrew is smoking with his legs dangling over the edge. Neil sits silently beside him. As always, the smell of cigarette smoke reminds him of his mother and stolen cars and fake IDs.

“Let’s play a game,” Andrew says once he’s finished with his cigarette. “A truth for a truth.”

“I don’t want a truth from you,” Neil replies. 

Andrew scoffs. “Too bad. You go first.”

Neil thinks for a moment. “Why are you putting so much effort into protecting Kevin?”

“I protect my family,” Andrew replies simply.

“What do you get in return?”

“That’s two questions, Josten,” Andrew warns. 

“I don’t care,” Neil snaps, harsher than the situation warrants. 

Andrew thinks for a long time. “Nothing. Not anymore.” This, Neil thinks, leaves more questions than answers. Andrew knows this and gives him an exasperated look, like he’s too stupid to speak to. “What’s your real name?”

Neil recoils. “Neil Josten is my real name.”

Andrew sighs. “Don’t lie to me, Neil. It’s against the rules. Answer the question.”

“Ask a different one,” Neil snarls. “I don’t give a shit about your game.” He wrings his hands together until his heart stops jackhammering. “Well? Go on. Ask me.” 

Andrew doesn’t reply for long enough that Neil grows antsy. Finally, he asks, “What was your real reason for coming to this school?”

“My uncle made me,” Neil says. “And Matt works here. Mr. Boyd. He was my tutor.” He pauses, thinking back to the explanation he gave Allison. For some reason, it feels like Andrew deserves a more honest answer. “He was the only person I talked to other than my uncle for nearly two years before coming here.” Andrew considers this but stays silent.

Neil looks over at him. “I owe you another truth.”

Andrew shakes his head. “You’ve given me enough. Life shouldn’t be transactional.”

Neil scoffs. “Didn’t take you for a philosopher.”

“I don’t give a shit about philosophy,” Andrew says in his droning monotone. “I do, however, try to apply lessons learned in therapy.” 

Neil feels like this is another truth given for free. He thinks it should feel like Andrew has power over him because of their imbalanced exchange, but it’s hard to think that Andrew feels anything toward him in the face of his blank, emotionless stare. “Why did ask for a truth for a truth if you didn’t want it?” Neil asks, since Andrew seems so open. 

Andrew rolls his eyes. “You wouldn’t have answered my question without something in return.”

“Speaking from experience?” Neil guesses. Something about Andrew’s blank gaze makes Neil feel like he’s looking in a mirror. 

Andrew stays silent for so long that Neil starts to think he’s not going to reply. “I assume from your general demeanor that you’re allergic to therapists, but you’d be a lot less suspicious if you weren’t so twitchy, you know.” It’s not an answer to Neil’s question, but he’ll take whatever Andrew gives him. 

  
“Allison says you never talk to anyone but your family. Why me?”

“I want to solve you.”

“I’m not a maths problem.” Neil says. He thinks about their conversation; either Andrew is much more loquacious than he’s been led to believe, or he’s interested in Neil for some strange reason. Either way, Neil decides Andrew has earned this: “Neil Josten is my legal name. It doesn’t matter what I was called before.” The words taste sweet and foreign in his mouth. Andrew gives him a curt nod, and silence falls over them like a warm blanket. 

They sit on the roof until Neil’s phone buzzes with a text from Matt letting him know it’s time to leave. He says goodbye to Andrew and leaves him on the roof, savouring the smell of cigarettes on the wind as he leaves.

At home, Neil briefly wonders about Andrew’s stark change in behaviour toward him, but the answer becomes obvious immediately. Once he realized that Neil wasn’t a threat to his family, he backed off. Neil likes the simplicity of it, though the honesty part is still unfamiliar. 

“My name is Neil Abram Josten,” Neil whispers to Nemo, who stares back at him with an intensity that Neil thinks could only be rivalled by Andrew Minyard. Nemo meows at him. Neil pets him until he gets distracted by something across the room and bolts. 

Stuart comes home later that night looking exhausted. He tries his best to look cheerful for Neil, but the dark circles under his eyes are prominent enough that some part of Neil feels obligated to give him good news. 

“Hello, Neil. Matt told me you’ve had a bit of a rough week.”

Neil shrugs. “I talked to five people who aren’t Matt.”

Stuart’s fake smile turns earnest. “That’s wonderful, Neil. Who are they?”

Neil tells Stuart about Kevin briefly, as well as Renee and Katelyn. He talks about Allison for a while, but gets stuck trying to explain Andrew. Stuart accepts his hesitation and takes over the conversation. Neil is secretly glad he did; he doesn’t want to tell anyone about his talk with Andrew on the roof. It feels too personal to share. 

Stuart raises an eyebrow at Neil’s new wardrobe, too. He found that half of the clothing Allison bought him is made of fabric Neil finds too uncomfortable to wear. It hadn’t registered at the mall because of how uncomfortable he already was. He’ll have to tell her so she can return them.

The next day, the principal says over the morning announcements that tryouts for the track and field team. Neil knows Matt will badger him into going so he resigns himself to it. The thought of having to stay at school for longer than necessary makes him feel shaky, as well as the fact that he’ll stick out as the fastest person there unless a miracle happens. He tries to tamp the negative feelings down. Stuart and Matt want him to try, and Stuart won’t let him quit school unless he puts some effort in. 

English and chemistry are less threatening without Andrew breathing down his neck all morning. Andrew doesn’t talk to him at all in chemistry, which makes Neil feel disappointed for reasons he can’t pinpoint. He supposes Andrew has no reason to talk to him if he’s no longer a threat to Kevin.

Neil arrives in calculus before Allison, which is why he sees her storm into the classroom with a look of singleminded determination. She sits down in her chair so hard it rattles, causing the teacher to give them a suspicious look. 

“Neil Josten,” she says crossly. “Why were you hanging out with Andrew Minyard yesterday?”

“How do you know about that?”

Allison scoffs. “You were sitting on the roof of the school, everyone saw it.” At Neil’s unimpressed expression, she amends, “A couple people saw it, but word gets around.”

Neil frowns. “We were just talking.”

“Just talking? Andrew Minyard? I don’t believe it. No threats of stabbing?”

“We were just talking,” Neil repeats, feeling somewhat defensive of Andrew.

“You sound like Renee,” Allison sniffs. 

“What was that, Allison?” Renee asks, taking her seat on Neil’s other side. Her face is the picture of innocence, but her eyes are playful.

“Neil’s talking to the monster now too,” Allison explains.

“I would have thought eleventh graders were too far down on the social ladder for you to care about,” Neil says. Allison has been trying to teach him about the social intricacies of Columbia District High School, but Neil didn’t have the right childhood to be apt in anything social.

Allison ignores Neil completely in favour of sighing to Renee, “I just don’t know how anyone can stand to be friends with him.”

“Don’t be mean to your teammates,” Renee chides.

“Andrew’s on the exy team?” Neil asks.

“He’s the goalie. He’s good when he actually tries,” Allison replies to Neil. Then, to Renee, “I can be as mean as I want to that little shit.” The conversation devolves into rapid bickering full of inside jokes Neil doesn’t understand, so he tunes them out. 

While it’s true that Neil has never seen Andrew speak to anyone but himself, his brother, and Kevin, he finds it hard to believe that he’s that widely disliked. His motivations seem simple to Neil: he protects the people he cares about. It might be that he’s rude, though Neil wouldn’t notice that. Allison has told him that he can be very rude. Neil shrugged at this. What else was he supposed to do?

“Neil,” Renee’s voice cuts through Neil’s thoughts, “are you planning on joining any extracurriculars?”

  
Neil’s incredibly glad she didn’t mention exy, because he is going to strangle the next person who tries to make him join the team thanks to Kevin. “I think I have to join the track team,” Neil replies, then, “I’m going to, I mean.”

“Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to. Starting at a new school is stressful enough,” Renee replies kindly. 

“My uncle and Mr. Boyd would be disappointed if I didn’t join,” Neil explains. “They want me to actually try to like it here.”

“You know, if you really don’t want to do it, don’t. Fuck them,” Allison says, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “But don’t tell Mr. Boyd I said that in one of your gossip sessions.”

Neil opens his mouth to explain why he _has_ to join track, but finds there are no more excuses queued up. It’s true that he could just not do it. Stuart and Matt would be disappointed but supportive if he told them it made him too anxious. But the thought of not doing it makes him feel— he doesn’t know. Bad. 

“I don’t know,” Neil says lamely. “I like running.” 

“Kevin says you used to be really fast. He likes to complain about how none of our strikers are fast enough, even though that includes himself,” Allison says, but Neil has tuned out by the second half of the sentence. Kevin talks about when they knew one another? It makes sense, rationally, since they went to elementary school together until Neil was ten, but the thought of Kevin revealing anything about his past makes him sick. Especially if it’s about exy— Neil’s father used to cut, stab, and burn him by night on the exy court and them force him to practice there the next day.

“Neil? Baby, I’m going to take you into the hallway, okay?” Allison whispers to him, and it’s only after that Neil notices his breathing is quick and staccato. He lets himself be guided out of the classroom. He notices that Allison is careful not to touch him, which he’s grateful for. Allison sits with him on the floor beside the door to the math room until his breathing calms. 

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, Neil, but are you seeing anyone about this?” Allison asks. “You’ve had two panic attacks in four days.”

Neil shakes his head. “I hate therapists.”

Allison sighs. “What brought that one on, then? What did I say?”

Neil shakes his head again. “I have to talk to Kevin,” is all he chooses to say. 

“Do you not like him talking about you or something?”

“Kevin knew me when we were kids,” Neil explains, choosing his words carefully. “I did not have a good childhood.” Allison sighs, likely frustrated about the lack of any real information. “Let’s go back inside.”

Neil finds Kevin’s locker once the final bell rings. Apparently, it’s right beside Andrew and Aaron’s. “I have to talk to you,” Neil says in a tone Matt would reprimand him for. He’s anxious to get this over with. 

Kevin shakes his head, not looking away as he packs his backpack. “Abby’s picking us up today and she has to leave as soon as possible. We can talk tomorrow.”

“It’s important.” 

Kevin sighs. “Can’t it wait?”

Neil gives him an irritated glare. 

“Look, do you want to come over? My dad wants to meet you anyway,” Kevin says. “Just hurry up.”

Neil freezes. Andrew sighs loudly and rolls his eyes. “You have so many issues,” he says boredly, and then slams his locker shut and walks away. 

Neil closes his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts. “Fine.”

**

Neil considers himself lucky that Wymack had to stay late at school. He looks to be around the age of Neil’s father. Up until now, Neil has generally avoided this problem; Stuart is significantly younger than Nathan was, and the only other person Neil interacted with until recently as Matt, who is nowhere near his father’s age. Wymack, however, makes Neil flinch by speaking too loudly. Though Neil is thankful for Wymack’s absence, it means that Abby has more time to try and mother him. 

“Do you want anything to drink, Neil?” Abby asks when they arrive at home. When Neil shakes his head, Abby smiles. “I’ll be in the living room if you need anything. Let me know if you’re planning on staying for dinner.”

Kevin leads Neil to his bedroom and shuts the door behind them.

“Allison said you told the team how I used to play,” Neil says, voice sharp and cross. “Why are you telling them about me?”

Kevin shrugs. “Why don’t you want me to?”

Neil looks away. It’s hard to look at Kevin sometimes; Kevin reminds him of playing exy in the Evermore court with fresh wounds burning with pain beneath his sleeves and Riko’s knife-like smile. “I don’t want anyone to know about my past.”

Kevin raises an eyebrow. “I can stop talking about you, I guess, but all I said is that you were fast. So what?”

Neil tugs on the hem of his shirt. “It’s not… I don’t want to be reminded of anything from back then. You know how my father was.” 

“I saw… that time on the court. And I know he was violent toward you, but you never told us anything more than that. Neither did Tetsuji.”

For a moment, Neil imagines himself confessing just how bad the truth really is, but he pushes it away. The mere thought of anyone knowing beyond Stuart and Matt makes Neil queasy. “I’m a fucking mess, Kevin. Any doctor worth their salt would send me packing to the psychiatric ward. I don’t want you to talk about my past.”

Kevin puts his hands up in exaggerated surrender. “Fine.”

Neil leaves Kevin in his room and walks toward the door. The Winfield-Wymack-Minyard-Day household is close enough to Stuart’s place that Neil can run home, but he’s intercepted by Andrew.

“Where are you going, rabbit?” Andrew asks.

“Rabbit?”

Andrew doesn’t deign to explain. 

“Home.”

Andrew sighs, like Neil is unbelievably stupid. “No, you’re not. We’re getting ice cream.”

“I don’t like ice cream, though.”

“Then you can watch me eat ice cream. Keep up.”

Neil follows Andrew outside. He doesn’t even flinch when Andrew shouts to Abby that he and Neil are leaving, which makes Neil think he’s making progress. They walk to a quant ice cream shop Neil didn’t know existed before now, and Andrew orders some tooth-rotting concoction while Neil doesn’t order anything. “So, Neil,” Andrew says after he sucks obscenely on his spoon. Neil looks away. 

“So what?”

Andrew glares. “Why do you hate exy so much?”

“Why does it matter?” Neil snaps.

“I want to solve you.” 

“I don’t care.”

“I thought you were interesting, Neil.” Andrew levels him with a glare that makes Neil freeze. “Are you really going to disappoint me?”

Neil fights off the urge to upend Andrew’s bowl of ice cream. “You didn’t talk to me at school today. I thought you weren’t interested anyway.”

Andrew makes a gross slurping sound as he eats more of his ice cream off of the spoon. Several people around them turn to look. The staff don’t react; from Andrew’s sweet tooth, Neil assumes he’s a regular here. “Oh, I’ve got to talk to you 24/7 now for you to give me the time of day?” He sneers, jabbing his spoon at Neil like an accusation.

“Who says I owe you an answer to all your questions? You can’t just expect people to trust you right off the bat,” Neil retorts. “Why are we even here, Andrew?”

“I don’t need you to trust me. You don’t add up and I want to know why,” Andrew says, slow and leisurely as if he has all the time in the world to get into Neil’s head. 

“Stop saying that. I don’t care,” Neil repeats, “I don’t have to tell you anything just because you asked me to.”

Andrew places his spoon in his bowl and clasps his hands together like he’s trying to gather his patience. “This is going nowhere. Are we going to have to go back to the game? Are you that childish?”

“The game was your idea. Besides, you’ve done nothing to earn my secrets. I could be a serial killer for all you know.” If Matt were here, he would do that awkward this-is-morbid-but-hilarious smile because he would get the irony of that statement. Andrew just stares impassively. They say nothing more until Andrew finishes his ice cream. Then, he stands up wordlessly and starts walking away. Neil supposes he’s expected to follow and feels a pang of anger at the assumption but follows nonetheless. 

They end up on the roof of the ice cream store. Neil is not surprised in the slightest. Andrew sits on the edge again and Neil follows. 

“I’m scared of heights,” Andrew says when it becomes clear Neil isn’t intent on starting up a conversation.

The implications of his admissions set in. Neil considers his reply for a few long moments before saying simply, “I have bad memories of exy courts.”

Andrew scoffs. “Cop out.”

Neil stops to think again. He stares resolutely out into the distance and says as he touches the burn marks on his face, “I got these on an exy court.” 

“Those aren’t the only ones,” Andrew guesses.

Neil doesn’t respond, instead asking a new question: “Why do you care so much about protecting your family?”

Andrew’s determination to get _something_ out of Neil deflates at this. His blank eyes turn blanker. “I didn’t have one for a long time.”

They fall silent, staring out into the afternoon sky. Neil has to leave eventually, and this time Andrew follows. When they part ways to go to their respective homes, Andrew doesn’t say goodbye. 

** 

The next few weeks of school progress in a similar manner: Neil gossips with Allison during calculus and trades secrets with Andrew after school. He folds paper cranes, and eventually Renee starts to take them home. Even Andrew pockets some. He goes to practices for track which aren’t nearly as scary as he expected. He eats lunch with Matt and comes home to Ada, Pascal, and Nemo whining for attention. It’s… nice. Sometimes. 

“We should all hang out,” Allison suggests in calculus one day.

Neil, distracted by their latest problem set, looks up distractedly. “Who?”

  
“Me, you, Renee, and the monsters,” Allison replies. “It’ll be fun. Ask your uncle if we can come to your house, I’ve been wanting to see the rest.” 

Neil blanches. “Um.” He likes hanging out with Allison and he likes hanging out with Andrew, but only separately. Partly because he doesn’t think they get along when they’re together at exy practice, but it’s mostly due to the fact that group gatherings make him anxious. Allison would be disappointed in him if he said no, though, even if she apologizes for pressuring him when Renee inevitably scolds her. 

Right on cue, Renee says, “Allison, it’s rude to invite yourself over to other people’s homes.”

Allison crosses her arms. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Neil, but you’ve really broken out of your shell since I first met you. Be proud of yourself, buddy.”

  
She sounds a lot like Matt in that moment, but voicing that comparison would get him a poisonous glare. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it,” Neil concedes.

For the rest of the day he’s dazed and distracted; beyond the fear of having so many people in his safe space, for some reason he’s stuck on the thought of Andrew coming over. Images of Andrew meeting his cats and sitting on his sofa and looking in his bedroom enrapture him no matter how hard he tries to shake them off. He asks Matt about it when he’s driving Neil home. 

“Matt, I have a question. Er, I need help.” He stares out the window and tries not to think too hard; he’s already embarrassed about a question he hasn’t even asked yet. Why is he embarrassed?

“Shoot.”

Neil fiddles with the strap on his backpack sitting in his lap. “Allison said I should have her, Renee, Andrew, and Kevin over at my house. And Aaron, I guess, but I don’t like him. Anyway, all afternoon after that I couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew being over at my house. I don’t get it. I’m scared to have everyone over but I didn’t think I was especially scared of Andrew or anything.”

Matt smiles a little which makes Neil’s face feel hot. “I think you should tell Andrew how you’re feeling,” he suggests. “You feel safe with him, right, buddy?”

Neil opens his mouth to dispute Matt’s statement, but finds he can’t. He’s come to trust Andrew in these past few weeks. “I guess,” Neil mutters, but disclosing this feels more soul-baring than any of the secrets they’ve shared. 

“You should have your friends over. Ada will be there if you get anxious, and I’m sure Andrew and Allison know you well enough by now to help you if anything happens,” Matt says lightly, distracting Neil from his confusing feelings. 

Neil sighs. “I hope Aaron doesn’t come.”

Aaron doesn’t come. 

Andrew and Kevin arrive after Renee and Allison. Andrew quirks an eyebrow at Neil’s sigh of relief, most likely correctly deducing the reason behind it is his brother’s absence. Neil leads them to the spacious living room with a TV big enough to make the room seem like a movie theatre when considered with the dark walls and minimalist layout. Allison declares that they should watch a movie because Neil hasn’t seen any. She scrolls through Stuart’s Netflix account and settles on Moonrise Kingdom, something Neil has never once heard of. Kevin starts to complain about it, but is mysteriously silenced by a glare from Andrew. 

Neil and Andrew sit together on the love seat for the movie. They’re nowhere near touching; even if Neil weren’t aware of Andrew’s strict boundaries, he wouldn’t want to. Still, he gets repeatedly distracted throughout the movie by the urge to stare at Andrew’s blond hair or observe the way his muscular chest rises and falls. He thinks of Matt’s words from earlier in the week: _I think you should tell Andrew how you’re feeling_. 

Halfway through the movie, Ada, never one to shy away even in the presence of strangers, jumps into Neil’s lap. Andrew stares at her. Neil has never told him that Ada is a therapy cat. It makes him feel particularly pathetic to admit that. Andrew raises an eyebrow at Neil in a silent question, so Neil nods, unsure of what it is he’s agreed to. To his surprise, Andrew moves closer and places a gentle hand on Ada’s back. She turns around on Neil’s legs so Andrew will pet her head, which he does. Andrew spends the rest of Moonrise Kingdom with his hand entangled in Ada’s long fur. Neil doesn’t pay attention to the movie. 

When the credits roll and Allison turns the lights back on, Kevin, Allison, and Renee finally catch sight of Neil, Andrew, and Ada. Kevin gives Andrew a suspicious look, but Renee just smiles. “What’s their name?” 

Neil hefts Ada into his arms, anxious at the sudden scrutiny. “This is Ada.” He scratches her head. She’s sleepy and content from having Andrew pamper her for so long, so she purrs loudly. The vibration against his chest is familiar and calming. 

“I didn’t know you liked cats, Andrew,” Allison says in a voice that implies she wants to say something else. Neil can’t quite figure out what it is, though. 

“I’m Aaron,” Andrew says.

Allison rolls her eyes. “Where are the other two?”

“Follow me.” Ada is very heavy, but Neil doesn’t want to let go of her as he leads his friends to the foyer where sure enough, Nemo and Pascal are curled together in an orange and black ball of fur. “Nemo likes attention, but don’t touch Pascal until she approaches you,” he instructs quietly, not wanting to disturb his cats. 

Nemo, as expected, gets up at the newcomers. When Renee sits cross-legged on the ground, he crawls up her until he’s settled on her shoulders like he likes to do with Matt. Allison sits beside Renee and pets Nemo. Andrew, on the other hand, sits a few feet away from Pascal. They stare at one another, but neither makes any move. Kevin hangs back beside Neil.

  
“You have a lot of cats,” Kevin says with disdain. “What if I was allergic?”

“You’re not allergic,” Neil sighs. “Why does it matter?”

Kevin glares at Ada. “It’s weird to see you living in a house with cats.”

“It’s weird to live in a house with cats,” Neil replies. 

Kevin falls silent. Neil watches as Pascal slowly inches toward Andrew, who watches her progression silently and without a reaction. Kevin finally says, “What’s going on with you and Andrew?”

Neil tears his eyes away from Andrew and Pascal. “Nothing.”

Kevin gives him an incredulous look. “Nothing.” Neil doesn’t respond. Ada kneads her paws into his chest, and he wonders if the feeling fluttering between his ribs is Ada’s fault. Pascal finally butts her head into Andrew’s hand. The fluttery feeling intensifies. Neil looks away.

Stuart is away for the day, but he left Neil money to order pizza with. Allison, who knows how Neil feels about phone calls, makes the call for him. She orders fries for him because she knows he’s picky about food, and Neil stops for a minute to bask in the warm and frightening feeling of being _known_. Andrew sneaks up on him in this brief moment of vulnerability.

“What are you having a breakdown about now?” Andrew asks in a voice so quiet only Neil can hear.

“I’m not,” Neil retorts. “Shut up.”

“Eloquent.” 

“Shut up.” The fluttery feeling returns, and Neil wishes he had Ada. “Did you like the movie?” 

“I figured we were above meaningless small talk, Neil,” Andrew says disapprovingly. He pulls himself onto the counter. Kevin, Renee, and Allison are crowded around the island, locked in some debate over pizza toppings. Neil is glad they’re not listening in.

“You shushed Kevin when he started to complain,” Neil explains, looking away from Andrew’s scrutinizing gaze. His hands start playing with the collar of his shirt of their own accord.

Andrew cocks his head. “I’ve seen that movie more than a few times.”

“So you like it.”

Andrew doesn’t respond. Neil knows better than to expect Andrew to admit to caring about something so easily, but he’s proud to have guessed correctly. Andrew twists his body so he can open the cupboards and get a good look into what’s stored inside. He finds cocoa powder and jumps down from the counter. He fiddles with the kettle until he figures it out and makes himself a cup, and refuses to acknowledge the others’ complaints when they realize he’s made some for himself but no one else. Neil watches from the sidelines with something close to a smile. 

After the pizza arrives and is promptly devoured, they settle back into the living room. Neil abruptly feels silly for imagining that Andrew would see his bedroom— there’s no reason for it. Once again, he and Andrew sit on the loveseat while Kevin, Renee, and Allison are all on the couch. 

Kevin and the girls get on much better than Neil would have expected, especially Kevin and Allison. Given how much Allison complains about his ‘hardassery’ at practice, Neil expected them to hate each other, but it becomes increasingly obvious that that’s not the case as they fall into practiced bickering. 

“Let’s play truth or truth,” Allison says. Neil looks to Andrew unintentionally. 

“Don’t go too hard on Neil, I don’t think he’s ever played before,” Renee says lightly. Ada saunters into the room and jumps into Renee’s lap. Neil glares at Ada and thinks, _traitor_. 

“That’s exactly why we should go hard on Neil. He needs normal teenager experiences you just don’t get when you’re homeschooled,” Allison replies. Before she can ask Neil anything prying, though, Renee beats her to the punch. 

“How did you pick her name?” Renee asks, running her fingers through Ada’s fur. 

Neil looks at his hands. “Her full name is Ada Lovelace.” 

“Really, Neil,” Andrew drawls. “Is Pascal named after Blaise Pascal, then?”

“Who?” Kevin asks, upset at being left out. 

“Didn’t think you paid attention in maths class, Minyard,” Neil says testily. 

  
“That’s a yes, then.”

“I feel like I’m watching a verbal sparring match,” Allison interrupts. “Neil, do you have any popcorn?”

Neil’s face turns tomato red. “Ada Lovelace and Blaise Pascal are mathematicians,” he explains quickly. 

Allison cocks her head. “I’ve never met someone who likes math as much as you.” 

“I’m glad you’ve found something you like, Neil. You’re very smart.” As always, Renee’s complete genuineness in everything she says. Neil mumbles a thank you and grabs the pillow nearest to him to fiddle with. 

After a gentle reminder that it’s his turn to ask someone a question, Neil asks after some consideration, “Allison, why did you want to come here?” 

She smiles with pity in her face. “We’ve been friends for a month and I don’t know much about you, baby. Of course I wanted to come here.” Neil looks away and busies himself with picking at the threads on the pillow. He lets the conversation go on without him, too raw and uncomfortable after Allison’s response. Andrew doesn’t seem to be participating much either which makes Neil feel somewhat better. 

When he listens back in, Allison is asking Renee, “Why is Andrew like _that_?”

“You know that’s not a fair question, Allison.”

“If you don’t want to answer it, you have to do a dare,” Allison says. When Renee doesn’t protest, she says, “I dare you to… play the knife game, with a real knife.” She looks to Neil. “Renee won’t get hurt.” He doesn’t quite remember what the knife game is, but even the mention of knives has him too paralyzed to ask. Andrew, who knows very well about Neil’s experience with knives, gives him a look. Neil doesn’t meet his gaze.

Renee comes back from the kitchen with a cutting board, presumably so she doesn’t stab any real furniture, and a very sharp knife. A memory pokes at the edges of Neil’s consciousness, threatening to spill over but not quite there yet. It comes flooding back, though, when Renee starts to move the knife deftly between her fingers, so quick it blurs. Not a drop of blood spills. 

“Look, junior, it’s the game from your school,” Lola whispers in his ear. It sounds so real. He remembers the day clearly now; he’d seen kids playing the game with blunt pencils. He told his mother about it because it looked fun, but only if you had friends to laugh about it with. Nathaniel had none. Apparently, Lola overheard their conversation. 

“It’s only fun with pencils.” Neil can hear the high voice of his ten year old self, clear as day.

Lola forces his hand flat onto the table between them. “We’re going to have plenty of fun, Nathaniel. Just you wait.”

Neil stares at his hand. The crosshatched scars from his father don’t cover his entire hand, so he can see the mark from where Lola ‘accidentally’ stabbed him that day, and all the little nicks on his fingers from where she ‘slipped up’. She’d sung the awful song that goes along with the game, too. He remembers seeing her red lipstick in his peripherals and noticing how similar the colour was to his blood spilling over the table. 

Neil doesn’t notice he’s hyperventilating until he hears Andrew’s voice cut through the haze of his mind. “Everyone out.”

A hand comes to rest on the back of his neck, calming as an anchor. Neil curls up, trying to push the memory back into the recesses of his mind where it belongs, while Andrew’s presence calms him down. Ada jumps into his lap, too, and purrs against him. Andrew’s thumb moves gently back and forth on his neck once Neil leans into the touch. Andrew’s hand on him makes him feel warm and safe in a way he hasn’t in a long time, especially after a panic attack. Eventually, the last dregs of fear recede. “Thanks,” he murmurs. 

Andrew doesn’t reply, just lets go of his neck. Neil misses the touch immediately. 

The others filter back in, but Neil barely notices because he’s focused completely on how much closer Andrew is sitting now than he was before. Allison puts another movie on, but Neil pays it no mind. He suspects Andrew doesn’t either. 

After the movie, Allison announces that she and Renee have to go. Unexpectedly, Andrew says to Kevin, “Get a ride home with them.”

“What?”

Andrew doesn’t deign to repeat himself. Allison gives them an amused look, but doesn’t say anything. She waggles her eyebrows at Neil, though he suspects that that in itself is a miraculous show of self-restraint. The others filter out slowly. 

“Come on,” Andrew commands. He looks at Ada in Neil’s arms. “Put her down.” Neil does. Andrew leads him to the kitchen and opens the screenless window. The kitchen window makes for easy roof access, apparently. Neil has never noticed, but he’s far from surprised that Andrew honed in on it. It takes a bit of manoeuvring to get onto the roof, but they manage. Neil notices Andrew’s short, fearful breaths and lets him wait to start whatever conversation he wants to have. 

“You’re acting weird,” Andrew finally says. His expression is blank as ever, but his voice sounds just this side of irritated. “Get on with whatever you want to say.”

The feeling of being known overtakes him again. “Matt thinks I have to talk to you.”

“About what?”

Neil starts to wring his hands together. “I felt weird about you coming here.”

Andrew’s blank face somehow becomes even more blank. “Do you want me to leave?”

Neil shakes his head quickly. He dislikes the idea so much that the magnitude of the emotion scares him. “I wanted you to come. More than anyone else. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” 

Andrew ponders this. “Couldn’t?”

Neil sighs. “Can’t.” 

“Neil,” Andrew asks carefully, “why do you think that is?”

Neil shrugs and replies with a note of frustration in his voice, “I don’t know! I asked Matt and he said to talk to you. I don’t know.” He pulls on his bangs and tries to ignore Andrew’s scrutinizing gaze. “I don’t know what it means. Can’t you just tell me?” Matt gave him this sort of look too, like he knew something that Neil didn’t. He knows from some Internet research that he probably missed out on some emotional development as a kid because of his violent childhood. It’s never really bothered him. Or it didn’t until he started high school and knowing social conventions was a prerequisite. He’s gotten used to the feeling of being vaguely lost most of the time, but Andrew purposely not explaining to him what’s going on makes him feel hurt. 

“I can’t help you, Neil,” Andrew says. His voice is minutely less monotone than usual. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. “I would be pressuring you into something. Ask Matt again.” Something about his expression betrays something that looks like sympathy, or something. Neil doesn’t know anything about sympathy. Andrew’s face looks like he knows what Neil is feeling intimately.

Neil presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. All of his anger and frustration from before melts away. “Why did you want to stay?”

Andrew rolls his eyes like Neil is stupid. Neil feels better, because this is familiar territory. “You were acting weird.”

“Don’t I always?”

“I hate you.”

Neil’s not sure when that phrase started giving him a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. 

**

Neil doesn’t talk to Matt about it. Not for another week, at least. His teachers have been piling on the homework and besides, something might change with Andrew if he figures out what he’s feeling, and that makes Neil uncomfortable. They’ve talked on the roof of the school at the end of the day nearly every day for a week and Neil’s not sure what he would do if that stopped. 

Eventually, though, Matt asks him on the drive home from school, “Did you ever talk to Andrew?”

Neil, distracted by drawing shapes in the fog of the window, replies, “What?”

Matt sighs fondly. “Did you ever ask Andrew about what we talked about last week?”

Neil nods. “He said if he told me, he would be pressuring me, or something. I dunno. He said to ask you again.” 

Matt stops to think for a moment. “You feel different around him than all your other friends?” Neil nods. “And you’re always thinking about him?” This is spoken with an amused tone that Neil doesn’t like, but he nods again. “Neil, you like him.”

“Well, obviously I like him,” Neil snaps. “What does that have to do with it?”

Matt shakes his head. “You have a crush on him. Or at least, it seems like it.”

Neil doesn’t, generally, get crushes on people. He’s never noticed how attractive anyone is or thought about kissing anyone. It doesn’t really make sense to him why anyone would want to touch someone in any capacity just because they look nice. He’s never known what a crush feels like or who he likes.

He takes a moment to think about kissing Andrew.

It’s uncomfortable, really. He shouldn’t be thinking about kissing Andrew. He doesn’t know if Andrew wants that, and it would be wrong to… to _fantasize_ about it if he’s not sure if Andrew likes him. Except, he wants to. The thought of kissing Andrew makes the fluttery feeling in his chest return tenfold. He wants to know what Andrew’s mouth tastes like and feel the hard muscle lines beneath Andrew’s shirt. 

“Okay,” Neil says to Matt. 

Matt laughs and says something else, but Neil’s not listening. He texts Andrew, _I want to kiss you_. That way, Neil will know if Andrew doesn’t want him thinking about kissing him. Also, and more importantly, Andrew might just want to kiss him back.

“What?” Neil asks after he clicks send. 

Matt asks, “What are you going to do about it?”

Neil shrugs. “I texted him.”

The car jerks. “What did you text him, Neil?”

“I said I wanted to kiss him.” Neil’s phone chimes. “Oh, he said he’s on his way to my house.” 

“You just texted your friend that you want to kiss him,” Matt says, as if he doesn’t believe it.

“That’s what I just said, Matt,” Neil retorts. “What?”

Matt shakes his head. “Nothing, Neil. Don’t worry.” 

Neil practically skips into the house when Matt drops him off. Stuart asks him what’s up, but all Neil says is, “Andrew’s coming over in a bit.” 

Neil waits patiently in the living room with Ada, Nemo, and Pascal until Andrew texts him that he’s outside. Neil lets him inside, quickly enough that Allison would scold him for acting too eager. Ada follows, twining between his legs as he opens the door. He scoops her up against his chest. Andrew pushes past them and kicks off his shoes.

Neil’s not sure what to do in this sort of situation.

Andrew knows, apparently, because he says, “Let’s see your bedroom, Josten.”

“My uncle is in the kitchen, so we can’t go on the roof,” Neil explains nervously. Andrew doesn’t reply, he just follows Neil silently as they navigate through the absurdly large house. 

“It looks like a prison cell,” Andrew remarks once they arrive. 

Neil shrugs. “I don’t have a lot of stuff.”

“Lots of cat toys.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “Andrew.”

Andrew sits on the unmade bed. “Neil.”

Neil sighs. “Don’t be difficult.” Andrew just stares. “Matt says I have a crush on you.”

“Well, if Matt says so.” Andrew waits for Neil to respond and huffs when he doesn’t. “Are you going to sit down?” 

Neil hesitantly sits on the bed beside Andrew, briefly embarrassed about all of his clothes on the ground and messy bedspread. “I have a crush on you. Why didn’t you want to tell me?”

Andrew sighs as if Neil is an idiot. The familiarity of the action comforts Neil. “I didn’t want to influence you.”

“Why would that have influenced me?” Suddenly, it hits him. “You like me.”

“I hate you,” Andrew snaps too quickly.

Neil grins. “Same thing.” He moves so they’re sitting closer together but not so close that they’re anywhere near touching. “Andrew. I want to kiss you.”

“You can’t touch me until I say so,” Andrew says. “At all.” 

Neil nods. “I won’t.” He grins. “You can touch me anywhere.”

Andrew rolls his eyes and leans in. “Yes or no, Neil?” His hand hovers at Neil’s cheek. 

Neil leans into Andrew’s hand. “Yes.” Andrew closes the gap between them. He’s more experienced than Neil, certainly, but he seems just as nervous. He teases Neil’s mouth open and suddenly there’s _tongue_ and Neil lets out a helpless little groan. Kissing Andrew is a religious experience. Neil hope it lasts forever. 

“You can touch my hair,” Andrew murmurs against his lips eventually. Neil slowly, hesitantly brings his hands into Andrew’s blond curls. Andrew hums in response and kisses Neil more softly. Neil matches his pace. Andrew bites down lightly on his bottom lip before pulling away, though his hands remain on Neil’s face. 

“Andrew…” Neil whispers. His voice sounds utterly wrecked. Andrew’s lips are red and swollen. Neil wants to kiss him again. 

Andrew’s eyes flit down to Neil’s lips. “Not bad.”

Neil glares. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Neil does. 

Neil ends up supine on the bed with Andrew above him, caging Neil with his arms. Neil is lightheaded and dizzy with want. He’ll never get any schoolwork done again, and track practice is shot; he’ll never be able to think about anything else again. Neil lets out intermittent gasps and moans of pleasure. 

Suddenly, someone knocks at the door.

Neil first feels grateful that he closed it, and then annoyed at being interrupted. After he and Andrew, disappointingly, disentangle from one another, Neil calls out, “What?” One side of Andrew’s lips move sort-of-up in what Neil has come to recognize as Andrew’s version of a smile, probably at how terribly rough Neil’s voice sounds. 

“Is your friend staying for dinner?” Stuart asks after a pause. 

Andrew shrugs, so Neil replies, “Yes.” 

Another pause, as if Stuart is surprised. “Well. It’ll be ready in a half hour.”

Andrew and Neil lie beside one another in Neil’s messy bed. Neil takes the time to examine Andrew’s cheekbones, the line of his nose, the shape of his lips, and his pale eyebrows. He has a light dusting of freckles that aren’t very visible unless you look very closely. Neil counts himself lucky to be let close enough to see them. “Staring,” Andrew murmurs, but he’s staring right back.

“So?” Neil replies. 

Andrew rolls his eyes and shifts closer so that he can pull Neil’s head onto his chest. Neil settles onto him, sighing quietly when Andrew starts to run a hand through his hair. “What do you want from this, Neil?”

“What?”

“I don’t want to be a part of your sexuality crisis.” 

Neil pulls away from Andrew and sits up. “Andrew, what? I told you. I like you. I don’t understand what you’re talking about.” He worries at the edge of his pillow as Andrew sits up across from him.

“What do you want to do. With me.” Andrew’s words are stilted.

Neil shrugs. “I don’t know. I want to kiss you, and talk to you and hold your hand. I like you. Isn’t that obvious?” 

Andrew smirks. “You want to hold my hand?”

“You like me too,” Neil reminds him waspishly. “What do you want from this? It’s not a one way street.”

  
Andrew scowls ferociously. “Shut up. I hate you,” he hisses, and Neil remembers how much Andrew struggles with admitting to wants, even after years of therapy. He exhales sharply through his nose and says, “I want you.”

Neil, though usually not prone to smiling easily, grins widely and moves forward. Andrew captures his lips in a searing kiss, but Neil pulls away before things get too heated. “We have to be presentable for dinner,” he teases.

Andrew rolls his eyes but doesn’t protest. He asks, “Yes or no?” And when Neil nods, he trails his hand over Neil’s face, tilting it this way and that as he stares. Neil flinches when Andrew’s fingers brush over his burn scars and he pulls away immediately, holding his hands up.

“Did I ever tell you how I got that one?” Neil asks after a long silence. Andrew shakes his head. “It was the last time my father touched me before my mother took me and ran,” Neil says after a pause. “It’s from a cigarette lighter. He preferred dashboard lighters, but we were on the court.” He rolls one of his sleeves up and points out the burns on the inside of his forearms. “Those ones are from a dashboard lighter, but it wasn’t my father.” 

“The woman Renee reminded you of,” Andrew guesses. Neil nods. 

“Her name was Lola,” he whispers, and then stares down at the bedspread. He pulls his sleeve back down and worries at the end of it. He trusts Andrew. Something tells him that he’s going to stick around. Hopefully that instinct is correct. 

Stuart knocks on the door. “Dinner, Neil!”

Andrew glares at the door. Neil lets out a small laugh at the expression that looks more like a pout.

**

Neil can’t focus in english. Andrew’s moved to sit beside him and he barely comprehends a word Mr. Rhemann says because of it. Chemistry passes in a similar manner. Halfway through, he starts folding paper cranes with his sticky notes again so he can control his thoughts. The pad is running out. Allison tells him loudly and frequently to learn how to do some other kind of origami, but Neil doesn’t want to. He likes doing cranes because he likes to do the same thing over and over.

Before Neil can unfold the crane, Andrew plucks it from his hands and squirrels it away somewhere Neil can’t see. Andrew doesn’t look at him, but Neil grins. “Staring,” Andrew whispers. 

When the bell rings, Andrew doesn’t leave like usual. “Why do you eat lunch _here_?” He asks loudly and rudely. Neil knows it’s because he wants to make sure Matt hears the insult. Matt just laughs and turns away. 

“I don’t like eating in the cafeteria,” Neil replies. 

“Idiot,” Andrew admonishes. “Come with me today.” 

Neil frowns. He doesn’t like not knowing what’s going to happen and he dislikes the break in his routine even more. “Where?” 

Andrew searches his face and must find whatever he’s looking for because he says, “You can stay here if you want, but I don’t think you should.” 

“You should go, Neil! It’ll be good for you,” Matt pipes up. “I won’t be here next week for a few days, so you’ll have to find somewhere to go. Why not get started now?”

Neil glares. “I can’t do it.”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “Suit yourself.” 

Neil can’t help but feel disappointed when he leaves. 

In calculus, Neil tells Allison what happened in chemistry. He doesn’t plan on telling her about the kissing thing for a while, but she smirks like she knows something. 

“Why does he want you to eat in the caf all of a sudden?” She asks.

Neil shrugs. “Why do you want me to eat in the caf?” It’s not a lie, just an omission, but it comes out all too easily. 

Allison sighs. “You should sit with me instead of Andrew.”

“Why?”

Allison pouts. “I know I can’t compete with your _thing_ with Andrew, but we’re friends, baby.”

“Why don’t you all sit together? You’re all on the same team,” Neil points out. “You can’t hate him that much.” 

Allison lets out a gusty sigh. “The politics of the exy team are too complicated for that, Neil,” she explains mock-patronisingly.

“Explain,” Neil demands. 

“Renee and I sit with Seth, Laila, and Sara. Seth, Laila, and Sara cannot stand to see Kevin outside of practice because he’s a dick, so he and Andrew sit with Jeremy at another table. Jeremy sometimes sits with us, but he and Kevin are best buds. Aaron sits with his girlfriend, Katelyn, who sits with the other cheerleaders,” Allison explains.

“Small team,” Neil comments, though he’s already worried about the list of people she’s mentioned; seeing Andrew, Kevin, Allison, and Renee all at once was almost too much for him. He’s not sure he’d be able to handle it. 

“Neil,” Allison says suddenly, face lit up and hopeful like she’s just made a life-changing discovery, “you can make everyone sit together.”

“What?”

“Wymack’s always going on about getting along and teamwork and all that bullshit. Even if the others wanted to see Kevin, Andrew would never sit with us. If you got Andrew to let up, we might make it happen,” Allison says. “This is genius. Neil, you have to do it.” 

Neil narrows his eyes. “What if I don’t want to? I don’t care about your team or exy.” 

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want you to, but it would mean a lot to us,” Allison replies. She smiles sweetly. 

Neil sighs heavily. “Maybe.” 

Allison reaches out to grab Neil’s hand, but withdraws at the last second. “Thank you, Neil.”

“I haven’t agreed to anything.”

“But you will.”

Neil rolls his eyes. All he says is, “I can’t do anything about Aaron.”

**

A few days later, Neil wordlessly follows Andrew out of Matt’s room. Matt gives him a blinding smile, but Neil doesn’t respond. Andrew follows him to his locker. While he’s putting his books away, he says, “My uncle’s going to be away all weekend. You should come over.”

Andrew cocks an eyebrow. “Not throwing a rager, Josten?”

“I don’t know what a rager means,” Neil says. The word sounds strange in his accent.

Andrew doesn’t react and slams Neil’s locker shut once he retrieves his lunch. They make their way to Andrew’s locker and then toward the cafeteria. Before they get there, Neil says, “Allison wants me to ask you and Kevin and Jeremy to sit with her and the others.”

“Too bad.”

Neil sighs dramatically. “I’m probably going to freak out as soon as we walk through the doors, but I want to hang out with you. Come on, Andrew, why not?”

Andrew rubs his temple like Neil is giving him a headache. “You’ll hate sitting with that many people.” 

“I have to do it at some point. You’ll be there, so it won’t be so bad,” Neil counters. “Don’t be stubborn.”

“Coming from you.” 

“Shut up.”

They reach the doors. Neil stops, but Andrew nudges him forward. He leads him toward the table where Kevin and Jeremy are already seated, but instead of sitting down he pokes Kevin in the shoulder and says, “Come on.” 

Kevin and Jeremy follow them in confusion to where Allison, Renee, and Sara are sitting. Allison grins at Neil and Renee greets them with a soft ‘hello’. Allison looks like she wants to say more, but Andrew silences her with a glare.

Seth rolls his eyes at Kevin’s presence, but Kevin barely notices. He’s already engrossed in an argument with Jeremy about the zombie apocalypse. Renee joins in soon enough, and she has some disturbing knowledge that Neil doesn’t want to know where she acquired.

“This isn’t terrible,” Neil says to Andrew after a few minutes of eating and listening idly to the conversation around them. If he blocks out the background noise of the cafeteria, it’s almost nice. 

“What a glowing review,” Andrew replies drily, but his lips are set in that secret almost-smile.

“Oh, Andrew, I’m having the time of my life. This high school cafeteria is so much fun,” Neil croons, leaning toward Andrew. “Is that what you want?”

“Idiot,” Andrew mutters.

Stuart picks Neil up from school. As soon as Neil throws his bag into the back and settles into the passenger seat, Stuart says, “Matt told me that you ate in the cafeteria today.” 

Neil nods. “Andrew and Allison wanted me to.”

Stuart sighs. “We both know it’s been a rough few years for you, but you’ve come so far in a month and a half. I’m so proud of you, Neil.” 

Neil stares out the window. He doesn’t much like to think about family in general because of his parents, but Stuart has done the best he could to raise Neil for four years. “Thanks,” is all he says. 

Stuart smiles. “Two months is coming up. Do you still want to go back to homeschooling?”

It shocks Neil how much he _doesn’t_ want that. “No, I want to stay.”

**

The weekend arrives in no time at all. Andrew pulls into the driveway not twenty minutes after Stuart leaves. Andrew starts walking toward the kitchen, but Neil says, “Not the roof. It’s not comfortable.”

Andrew raises an eyebrow. “Is there things you want to do, Neil, that we can’t on the roof?”

Neil’s face reddens. “Yes.”

Andrew takes Neil’s hand and pulls him to the living room. “Put on a movie,” Andrew commands. Neil fumbles with the remote until he settles on Inside Out. Andrew pokes and prods him until Neil ends up settled with his head on Andrew’s lap. Andrew rests one hand on Neil’s waist and cards the other through his hair. They watch the movie in silence. Neil can’t tell why Andrew’s in such a quiet mood. 

Once the credits roll, Neil says, “What’s wrong?”

Andrew looks away. “I hate you.” 

Neil, throughout the past week of kissing and talking, that this generally means that Andrew doesn’t like how Neil makes him feel. “Yes or no?” Neil asks, sitting up. 

“Yes. You can touch my hair.” 

Neil kisses Andrew slow and sweet, hands tangled in his hair. Andrew’s hands are loosely gripping his waist. Eventually, Andrew kisses him with more force. Neil gasps against his mouth and melts into Andrew’s touch. It never goes any farther; they spend the day alternating between kissing and talking. Eventually, Andrew puts another movie on, this time The Breakfast Club. Neither pay much attention.

Neil thinks he might be addicted to kissing Andrew; it makes him feel like he’s grounded and floating all at once. Neither of them were amazing kissers when they started, but now, Andrew knows how to make Neil moan and cry out. Neil’s favourite part is that he knows those things about Andrew, too. If he nips at a certain spot at the base of Andrew’s neck, Andrew will let out an involuntary, breathy sound, and when Neil bites his lip just so Andrew gasps. 

Eventually, night falls. “I have to go home,” Andrew says. His voice is hoarse and his lips are delectably red and wet-looking. 

Neil nods, but the thought of spending the night alone in his empty, giant house makes him feel sick. “Okay.” 

Andrew cocks his head. “What.” 

“I’m fine,” Neil snaps. He’s not sure how he feels about how Andrew could read his face so easily.

“Do you want to stay the night with me?” Andrew asks.

Neil looks away. “I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“I have to feed the cats tomorrow morning.”

Andrew scoffs. “Then I’ll drive you home tomorrow morning.” 

All of Neil’s indignation melts away. “Let me get my stuff.” 

By the time they arrive at Andrew’s house, it’s pitch dark out. Andrew steps into Wymack and Abby’s room for a bit to tell them that Neil’s staying over. Neil takes this time to look around Andrew’s room. It’s much more decorated than Neil’s is. There’s movie posters on the wall and a bookshelf overflowing with worn-out books. Neil recognizes a few titles from school and some that Andrew has told him about, but not many. 

“They said you have to sleep on an air mattress,” Andrew says. Neil flinches. He didn’t realize that Andrew was in the room. 

“Okay,” Neil replies, trying to hide his disappointment.

“Abby’s going to come in here in a few minutes with an air mattress and a hair dryer, and then we’re going to blow it up and put some blankets on it and and then we’re going to make out for a while and _then_ you’re going to sleep on it,” Andrew says slowly. Just then, Abby comes inside. 

“Hi, Neil. It’s good to see you.”

“Hi, Abby,” Neil replies quietly. Abby leaves soon after. They blow up the air mattress and Andrew finds some spare blankets and pillows just like he said. Neil goes through his bag to find his pajamas, but Andrew stops him and throws some of his own sleep clothes at Neil. Neil grins shamelessly at him and changes in the bathroom. 

Hesitantly, Neil climbs into the bed where Andrew is already lying. He looks over to Andrew’s nightstand and finds, to his great surprise, a row of tiny, neon paper cranes. He rolls over to face Andrew. “You kept them.”

“Yes or no?”

“Always yes, Andrew.” 

“Idiot.” Andrew pulls him closer so his arm is wrapped around Neil’s waist. “You can touch my hair and shoulders.” 

Kissing Andrew feels like running at infinity kilometres an hour. It feels like nothing Neil’s ever felt before. He tries to suppress any noises, but he’s not sure how much he succeeds. After what felt like days but probably wasn’t more than half an hour, Andrew pulls away. 

“Thank you,” Neil whispers.

Andrew glares. “For what?”

“Everything. Do you want me to go onto the air mattress?”

Andrew thinks for a moment and shakes his head. “Just stay on that side of the bed.” 

They fall asleep with their hands tangled together between them. Just before he falls asleep, Neil thinks of the word _progress_ ; he wonders how he got this lucky.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me at jonathansimz.tumblr.com. I'm not done with this 'verse, I love it too much, and there's so many things I wanted to do that I just didn't get to because the fic was getting too long. So you'll definitely be seeing more of this. Thanks for reading.


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